Welcome to another discussion. A look into humanity from a biblical perspective. I am not a psychologist and I don't play one on TV. However, from a ministerial standpoint, these things have become evident. Now that the disclaimer has been given, grab a cup of coffee, tea, or your favorite beverage, and let's dive into this topic.
For those who have seen the preview on Facebook, this paragraph is a recap. If you don't feel that you want or need a recap, then please skip to the next paragraph. For everyone else, here it is:
Sometimes, the person that claims and seems to be the victim is actually the villain. There is a saying (not sure how true it is but it works for this analogy) you can only kick a dog so many times before it bites you, runs away, or dies. Some of us are the dog that is being kicked. Some of us are the person doing the kicking. When the dog bites, the person says "That dog bit me for no reason!" or "I don't know why the dog bit me, I have been kicking it less than I used to". If the dog runs away, the person says "After all the stuff I have put up with. I have fed it, cleaned it, and put up with it's barking and took it for a walk. And this is how it repays me?" If the dog keeps coming back until it is finally kicked to death, the person says "I did the best I could to take care of that dog. We had some great times together. I will miss it." And please dog lovers and experts, don't over-analyze the accuracy of the dog's reaction. This analogy works to get the point across. So no "Adam Ruins Everything" business.
Of course, everyone that reads this may not fit into either category. However, I know that there are some that do. If you are the dog in this analogy, you are eager for the empathy and possible solution that this discussion may provide. If you are the person in this analogy, you may be in denial and thinking that you don't fit into either category. Or even attempting to justify some of the actions that you take.
In our society of social media and selfies, we have become more self-centered as a people. Some more or less than others and some cultures more or less than others. Many tend to look at a relationship as a means to get what we want. In other words, there a some that base the strength of relationships on how well the partner caters to their whims. Some of these people are even well-meaning. But subconsciously, they are manipulating the relationships for their own desired outcome. As you read this blog, I challenge you to look deep inside of yourself. Examine yourself and see what's there. As you may think of people that you know and say "yep, this sounds like them.", stop for a moment and really examine your actions as well. There are times when all parties in the relationship are guilty.
While there are many facets to this topic, we are going to focus on the analogy given of the dog and the person kicking the dog. Sometimes the dog that is being kicked becomes the person that is doing the kicking. Because, as the saying goes, "hurt people, hurt people". In other words, people who have been hurt, tend to hurt others. This often comes from a self-centered perspective. While it is natural to think that our lives, livelihood, and values are the most important things in life, it is not biblical.
1 Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2 fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others.
Philiippians 2:1-4.
It is not to say that our lives are unimportant, but it is to say that our lives are not the most important.
These behaviors lead to what are called toxic relationships. Men, while being viewed as brutes that don't have emotions are often victims of toxic relationships. It is also seen with women. However, because of societal expectations, men don't often seek help or counsel for these matters. The toxic relationship begins with one party seeking to manipulate the others based on their own ideals. They often try to make others over in their own image. They use criticism, and guilt trips to try and control the other person. When their actions are pointed out, they are quick to defend themselves and even justify their actions. They claim to be the victims more often than not. Their wrongs go unnoticed by them and the wrongs of others are magnified. The type of person that will throw a rock and hit you, then criticize you for saying "ouch!". And if you retaliate, they crown you the aggressor. They put unfair expectations on imperfect people. If you fail to meet their expectations (act exactly how they feel you should) then you are not a good person (father, mother, son, daughter, wife, husband, .etc). Though they may not realize it or admit it, they want to make the other person their puppet. They seem to have the attitude: "If only everyone would just see things the way I do. Then the world would be a better place". Not seeing themselves as being in need of correction or guidance.
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
1 John 1:8
The only reason the toxic person will acknowledge the other's feelings or concerns is either to criticize or as a means to achieve their whims.
Have you seen yourself or someone else yet? Double-check
How does this affect the other person (the dog being kicked)? These people are often made to feel awful about being in their own skin. They walk around the toxic person as if they are walking on eggshells. They suppress their feelings and find themselves stuck on the hamster wheel of trying to please the toxic person to gain approval. Unfortunately, when you keep feeding this toxic personality, it only grows in strength. There will always be something else that you have done wrong. And because we are imperfect human beings, fault can always be found in us if one would just look hard enough. So the other person becomes a slave to the toxic person or at the very least a shell of their former selves. They feel trapped, insignificant, unloved, unworthy of love, useless. These are signs of severe mental/emotional abuse. These scars run deep and are often not addressed because they are not seen with the eye. In men, sometimes they react to this type of abuse by womanizing to make themselves feel significant (feel like a man). Also physical abuse or even retaliating with mental/emotional abuse themselves in order to assert their "manliness" Women also do similar things when they are being abused. This is the behavior of the "dog" biting the person kicking them. This is one of the ways that hurt people hurt people. This is one of the most volatile circumstances in a toxic relationship because it breeds more toxicity. Revenge may seem satisfying at first, but it only makes matters worse and can lead to death.
A victim of toxic abuse can also behave as the dog dying. They lose themselves and their identity and cope with their stress by turning to alcoholism, drugs, or even gambling and other addictions. This person trades one master for another. Even if they make it out of the toxic relationship, they have become a slave to their addiction. They can also go into their "shells" of depression which can lead to suicide in extreme cases.
Another way that the victim can deal with this is to behave as the dog that has run away. Sadly, this one from what I have seen is not the most common avenue of approach due to societal expectations. People don't view emotional/mental abuse as they do physical abuse. Even though, mental/emotional abuse is stronger than physical abuse. Bruises heal, bones mend, but when the mind is not treated, the damage remains sometimes even for a lifetime.
Are you the dog or the person kicking the dog? There is hope for either person. God loves even the toxic person and they can be redeemed. They can be saved. There is no excuse for wrongdoing be it the victim or the aggressor. However, there is a way to be saved from this cycle. This is first done through humility and if you don't know Christ, seek Him. There, we can find peace and understanding. Our hearts can be broken and we can see the pain that we have caused. Then we can be freed of the toxin as we continue the walk with Christ and continue to seek His ways.
Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!
2 Corinthians 13:5
For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
James 1:23-25
When we can first, identify the issue, we can then act with knowledge. Everyone has worth because Jesus died for everyone. NO MATTER the sins that you have committed or mistakes that you have done in the eyes of others, you are worth redemption. It begins with an understanding of the Word and applying that to our lives. As we know better, we do better.
I hope you have enjoyed this topic. If you have any questions about anything covered here or you would like to hear more on this topic, you can comment. Also, you can make requests or ask questions on our forums page. God bless you and keep you and above all things, Let God be exalted.
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